And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
