Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
