just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
