You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
My underwear smells like fireworks.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Randomize
