i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
