Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
