Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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