my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
