You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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