I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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