$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
