Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize