I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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