its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
You made out with two different species that night
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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