if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
