I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
And then my night got REAL pukey
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
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