true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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