On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Randomize
