If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize