No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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