i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Randomize
