you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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