I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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