Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
