If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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