I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
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