i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
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