Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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