wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
barbara walters just said penis...
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
