Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
