We won't sleep together?
i think my mom watched the whole time
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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