Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
