I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
