he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Randomize
