if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
