If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
sarcasm needs its own font
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
