My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Can you bring me the toilet please
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
