Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Randomize
