On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
