Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
