I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
