please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize