Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I AM VODKA MAN
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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