names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
