dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
