the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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