new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Randomize
