Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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