what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize