I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
