just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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