Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
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