how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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