Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
