Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
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