A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Randomize
