So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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