no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
