Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
