If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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