ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
And then my night got REAL pukey
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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