he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
