just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
We need to get me chipped asap
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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