Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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