I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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