She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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